Too big to be a comment

 That is an excellent simile, Mike, and a beautiful idea with the rainbows. That has always been one of my favorite songs, too, and the most pleasurable rendition of it ever, I have thought.  We know you hurt terribly, and though we also hurt for you and with you, we cannot, I am sure, comprehend how great and deep the wound is to your heart.  I do understand, with my frequent joints and back pain, the idea of living with the pain and suffering, and trying not to complain about it.  And I understand the small reminders, sharp nearly debilitating stabs of pain from time to time, and other periods of hours and sometimes days of constant aches that no matter what I do, persisting like they will never end. Then, suddenly they are gone, and I am fine, but I know they will return again.  And sometimes I worry that I act too well, and I want to know that others (mostly your mother) know that I do hurt in spite of my good acting.  I share your loss as well as I can, one long step removed from your closeness to beautiful Laila, having missed meeting her in person by less than a full day because I returned home from visiting you the morning of the day she was born.  Shortly after we returned from our last visit with you, I picked up the book A Disciple’s Life, about Neal A. Maxwell (a book I had purchased for $3.00 or so some time ago, at Ollie’s, our local reject store) and began reading it.  It is Elder Maxwell’s biography, written by a good friend, at his request, started after he had developed leukemia. He had always talked to the members of the church, followers of Christ, about suffering and how we should bare it well, from the time he was ordained an apostle in 1981.  He mused that he should have seen his suffering test coming because he always preached about how true disciples could and should accept trials, tribulations, and sorrows – and felt that perhaps he had brought his suffering in himself to see if the preacher could follow his own counsel. In the first few pages I was impressed with something he wrote that I told you I would send you and, until now, have not, but I think now is a good time.  Quoting now from the book,

“Neal titled the last book before his illness, If Thou Endure It Well, which, he said later, was almost an invitation to his own experience with adversity.  That theme had even earlier roots. Nearly twenty years before his book, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, described three sources of suffering: Our own mistakes, life’s adversities, and afflictions that ‘come to us because an omniscient Lord deliberately chooses to school us.’  Of the third category, he wrote:

“ The very act of choosing to be a disciple…can bring us to a certain special suffering…[such] suffering and chastening…is the…dimension that comes with deep discipleship…

 “It appears to be important that all who will, can come to know ‘the fellowship of His sufferings.’ (Philipians 3:10.) At times we are taken to the very edge of our faith; we teeter at the edge of our trust…[in] a form of learning as it is administered at the hands of a loving Father (Helaman12:3).

… “He was realizing that his ordeal could admit him into ‘the fellowship of [the Savior’s] sufferings. He’d found that if a person’s heart is receptive enough, those who taste this peculiar fellowship begin to appreciate not only Christ’s suffering but also His ‘character’ – which helps them not only adore but emulate him…Jesus knows how to succor us in the midst of our griefs and sicknesses precisely because Jesus has already borne our griefs and sicknesses. He knows them firsthand; thus His empathy is earned.”

At Laila’s service, Uncle David said that you and Adrianne had somehow “qualified” to share the brief and beautiful moments of her life, and upon reading this I felt impressed that you also must have qualified for this special, unique, difficult, yet ultimately exalting learning experience.  I know it is difficult, but I think you are enduring it well, and as the Lord told Joseph Smith, “…thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”   You remember that mom and I visited all of our children and grandchildren in the weeks before Laila died, and we presented them all a family home evening in which we made chains out of the family members’ names, signifying that we are all bound together for time and all eternity.  I believe your mother was inspired that we needed to reinforce to our kids and to tell our grandchildren that we know that it is true, and I believe that her anxiousness to deliver the message was inspiration to get it done because Laila needed all of us to know and remember that.

I don’t know how it all works, but you might consider too, that Laila may see all the beautiful rainbows too, and share the happy times you have as well.  I have no doubt that she is aware of your love, and if she is aware of your circumstances,  your comings and goings, your feelings, then she wants you to be happy all the time, looking towards the joyous reunion that you know will happen.  If she senses your thoughts and feelings, you know she does not want you to be sad because that makes her sad, too.  So if you are happy she is happy.

Please accept these words as they are; with the hope that they help, yet just the ramblings of a now old and getting older father who loves you and your family more than you can know, and who prays for your happiness and that you will be comforted even as often as his joints, back, and heart ache, and, understanding only a little of what you are going through, wishes he could lift the daunting burden of your beautiful daughter’s absence.  I know the Lord loves you and that you are a unique son with a special family, and that when you are reunited all together you will wonder why it was so difficult to be separated for such a short time.  Such are our lives as we continue from day to day seeing through a glass, darkly…